when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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