Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
