That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
