I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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