Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
