Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
