Can i not drive my cunt home
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
