I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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