He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
