i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He is an equal opportunity slut.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Vodka?
Forever.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
