I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
