Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My legs feel like baby dolphins
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
