I showed him my bush... on skype.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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