The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
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