I understand why you refuse to be sober now
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
