Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just cropdusted the office
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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