I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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