Sorry, I don't speak sober.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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