if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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