your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
