remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
