Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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