How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
