i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
