I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
