So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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