this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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