I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
