the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Randomize
