I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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