I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
