life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
