Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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