You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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