Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
