I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
