i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
