Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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