I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
