Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
