He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I cut my penus on the lid.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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