Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
