I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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