Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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