I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
