the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
