You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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