Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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