I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
