So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
